I often think about that conversation (or lack thereof) that I had with my grandma this past summer. I have so long experienced for myself the power of music, that I never once considered that artists being forthright about mental health in their music could ever be a bad thing. I still refuse to think it is. Billie Eilish is aware of the impact her music can have on others, understanding that being honest about something she is going through might help someone listening to her music that is experiencing the same thing. “Kids use my songs as a hug," she said once in an interview. "Songs about being depressed or suicidal or completely just against-yourself—some adults think that’s bad, but I feel that seeing that someone else feels just as horrible as you do is a comfort. It’s a good feeling. It’s someone to scream with.”
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In contrast to artists like NF and Twenty One Pilots, while Eilish is also aware of the power of her music, she does not find the process of making music to be healing for her personally. She stated in another interview, “People talk about how making music is healing; I think listening to music is healing, but I don’t think making music is. It doesn’t heal to make music for me, but there are so many other things that do.”
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Although making music may not be healing for her, listening to Eilish’s music is indeed healing for some. It has been for me.
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The night “everything i wanted” dropped, I cried in my apartment bedroom as I listened to it for the first time. I was so struck by the lyrics, by their sadness and hopefulness. I felt arrested by the emotions that were so vividly executed in the song, and immediately started researching the story behind the song. What I found: that Eilish had a dream that she committed suicide and that no one cared
Thought I could fly (fly) /
So I stepped off the Golden, mm /
Nobody cried (cried, cried, cried, cried) /
Nobody even noticed
The singer's collaboration with R&B singer Khalid echoes some sentiments from "Leave the City" by Twenty One Pilots, the theme of the song about trying and failing to escape depression. In the same way it is helpful to hear a hopeful song, it can also be cathartic to hear one that depicts the experiences of depression so accurately. "lovely" does just that, Eilish and Khalid delivering heartbreaking lines about feeling trapped in depression in soft, high tones
Thought I found a way /
Thought I found a way out (Found) /
But you never go away (Never go away) /
So I guess I gotta stay now /
Oh, I hope some day I'll make it out of here /
Even if it takes all night or a hundred years /
Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near /
Wanna feel alive, outside I can't fight my fear /
"lovely" also parallel's NF's song "Mansion." In "Mansion," Fluerie and NF sing about their minds being a home they're trapped in. Comparatively, "lovely" describes depression as a "home," suggesting that it can be both a place we've grown accustomed to and a place we feel trapped in
Isn't it lovely, all alone? /
Heart made of glass, my mind of stone /
Tear me to pieces, skin to bone /
Hello, welcome home /
Never one to shy away from portraying honest emotions in her music, Eilish wanted to write a song about it. Her brother (also a producer and songwriter who often works on Eilish's songs with her), wanting the song to display a hopeful tone, convinced her to add their relationship as an element to save the song from being too sad. I remember finding great comfort in listening to this song and learning about the story behind it, and I still do. It made me think about the relationship I have with my own brother, and that he would say the same thing to me, if I were ever to have a dream such as Eilish's. In many ways listening to the song was therapeutic; its unapologetic rawness, refreshing. It was a reminder that even in my darkest hours, my loved ones are still there. It is still difficult for me to be honest about my thoughts and feelings with those close to me whom I have a lot of trust in, but examples like Eilish and others who are openly sharing vulnerable thoughts and experiences publicly with their music has encouraged and inspired me in many ways. They’re the ones who prove it is okay to share struggles with others instead of keeping them held inside.
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